I felt like I had to write this article because the subject matter was gnawing at me for about a week. So, I interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a semi-coherent article.
Over the past week or so, my carefully curated social media algorithm has been awash with posts remembering the catastrophic Afghanistan Retrograde. Four years ago, the U.S. ended its two-decade-long war in Afghanistan. The “retrograde,” also known as Operation: ALLIES REFUGE (OAR), was a chaotic operation that saw thousands of U.S. troops trying to maintain order at Hamid Karzai International Airport while hundreds of thousands of Afghans tried to escape the Taliban.
Thirteen U.S. troops and hundreds of Afghans were killed, and thousands more wounded during the chaos. Many of these casualties occurred during the Abbey Gate bombing on 26 August, 2021, which happened while I was preparing for my own deployment to support the evacuation efforts of OAR.
A combination of the social media posts memorializing the retrograde and my own recent separation from the Air Force spurred me to pull out my old journals. I wanted to remind myself what I was thinking and feeling back then.
Man, was I pissed.
I am sure “pissed” was (is) a sentiment shared by many, if not all, of the men and women who served during the Global War on Terror. Watching the rapid proliferation of the Taliban throughout the Spring and Summer of 2021 was hard, but the chaos at Hamid Karzai International Airport was gut wrenching. Gut wrenching and widely filmed and distributed around the globe.
For myself, I ended up being tasked with a supporting deployment the day after television coverage of desperate Afghans falling off of C-17s broadcasted around the world. This was a sub-optimal time for me. My wife had already been deployed for most of 2021 at that point, and I wasn’t tasked to go to Qatar where she was deployed. Not only was our time apart being extended, but I was in the middle of my Unlimited Warrant boards, an arduous process for Air Force Contracting Officers at Hanscom AFB. I was also dealing with my ankle basically falling apart on me.
My original tasking was super short notice. I was tasked on a Wednesday and was supposed to be ready to deploy within 72 hours. This gave me three days to get my Unlimited Warrant, make arrangements for the dogs and house, and get all my pre-deployment training done. Because of my ankle, I also had to get a physical therapist to sign off that I was able to fight through my bum ankle should I have to.
It took a lot of effort, but I was able to get everything squared away with the help of family and friends. The Air Force also ended up giving me extra time anyway because my original tasking was scrapped about fifteen minutes before walking into my Unlimited Warrant board. With a new tasking, I was given another week before needing to step off which at least let me enjoy one more weekend in Boston.
Throughout the entire process of getting ready for this deployment, my mood varied from frustrated and disgusted to enraged and disgusted. Even going to the Combat Arms Range was annoying. If you know me, you know how frustrated and disgusted I would have to be to not find joy in firing select-fire weapons on the government’s dime. Of course, I was annoyed because this was happening to me but it was much more than that.
In my journal, I frequently remarked about the sacrifices U.S. service men and women made in Afghanistan. In my frustrated eyes, these sacrifices were being sullied, mocked by the Military and Political leadership who sent them there. Despite volunteering three times, I never deployed to Afghanistan, but a lot of my friends did. I supported efforts in Afghanistan as well as across the Southwest Asia from locations all over the Middle East, and I felt like we had all been betrayed.
Hell, the whole reason Jenny was deployed for most of 2021 in the first place was to help cancel contracts and extract equipment, and They (the omnipotent “They” that exist at high levels of government) didn’t allow it. She dedicated much of her time during her deployment, both on and off duty, to supporting the refugees as they filtered through Qatar. She did much more to directly support OAR than I did, and I was tasked specifically to deploy for that operation.
Reading further in my journal, I can see that I was ready to be done with my Military Service, even back then. I was in constant pain from my ankle, the Air Force had seen fit to separate my wife and I for a grand fool’s errand, the task I was ended up doing during my third and final deployment was not what I was originally tasked to do, and I was discouraged. All that ground on me and convinced me it might be time to pull the ripcord and find another opportunity.
The caveat was my application to be an AFROTC Instructor. I submitted an application to be an Officer Instructor at an Air Force ROTC Detachment during the Summer of 2021, well before I was tasked to deploy. My frustration was growing even then, so my bargain with myself was if I got picked up to be an Instructor, I would stay in the Air Force for at least one more tour. If I didn’t get picked up, I would take the leap and separate.
During that last deployment, my frustration found a creative outlet, as I wrote the first several drafts of my second novel in my free time. The Air Force also saw fit to grant me the opportunity to serve as an instructor for AFROTC Det 175 at the University of Hawai’i. I also worked with a phenomenal team at the 332d, which you can read about here.
My third deployment wasn’t all bad, but I returned home frustrated and exhausted. I had a lot to look forward to (getting married, honeymoon, moving to Hawai’i), but it sometimes took a lot of effort to enjoy myself when I got home.
When I showed up to Detachment 175, I was still frustrated, but I was determined to give those cadets the best instruction and mentoring I could. Serving as an instructor did help “re-blue” me, but that frustration, that feeling of betrayal was with me the whole time. I don’t think it will ever really go away.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Retrograde Absolution, my second novel, was written during the deployment I discuss in this article. The book follows an Afghan Family as they try to escape Afghanistan while the American Military is withdrawing and the country is crumbling around them. Buying the books and merch is the best way to support Norseman Creative. The cheapest way is to follow our social media (@norsemancreative on Instagram and on YouTube), or to simply like and share these articles.
