This one goes out to Major Dapper Dan, who after a six month deployment to the 332d ECONS and tolerating all of my shenanigans, was tasked to go back to the same unit as its new commander. He recently took command of the ECONS, and I’m sure he’ll be fine. If you want to send Dan random items as a care package, his address is:
Dapper Dan
332AEW/ECONS
Unit 61814
APO, AE 09321-1814
Dan will enjoy the items and share them with the squadron. Trust me, the weirder the better. Also, Norseman Creative is still running its moving day sale, so swing by the shop and pick up a book and/or some stickers. If you use the promo code “movingday” between now and 21 June 2022, you get a small discount and a mystery item included in your package. It is a mystery, even to me.
I believe that it is fairly common knowledge that if you want to kill time by wandering around looking busy, the best way to avoid scrutiny is to bring a clipboard, piece of paper, and a pen with you. That way you look like you were sent by someone higher up the food chain to conduct an inspection of… something. In the military, you can take this concept a couple steps further. If you want to get away with almost anything, “tactically re-acquisition” anything, send an Airman to get it, and have a Captain take a clipboard, paper, and pen to stand behind them. Not only does this reinforce that whatever the Airman is doing/taking is legitimate, the Captain observing gives the impression that this activity is sanctioned.
Anyway, that’s how we procured some of the necessities for a promotion ceremony in which Captain Dapper Dan became Major Dapper Dan. We sent an Airman with a penchant for mischief and a Captain with a stellar record, and together they were unstoppable. Since my record isn’t quite stellar, and some intangible component of my demeanor draws inquisitive E-9s like flies to manure, I myself helped shuffle around some tables and smoke some meat.
Dan and I were deployed together briefly at Al Udeid during my first deployment. While there, I introduced him to one of my favorite, easily accessible cigars. As a gift for Dan’s promotion to Major I bought him a nice tobacco pipe and a couple bags of premium pipe tobacco from a Boston tobacconist, L.J. Peretti Company. It turns out, as much as I like Dan, I must really hate his lungs.
Shortly before I went home from my first deployment, Dan arrived to take over the 379th ECONS Services Flight. We didn’t have a whole lot of time together back in 2016, but the close proximity of a deployment tends to make quick friendships. I suppose the same could be true for making rivals and enemies. During that 2016 stint at Al Udeid, I introduced Dan to a particular stick of Rocky Patel cigars, which were conveniently sold at the 332d AEW’s Base Exchange tent in 2021.
After I left Al Udeid in 2016, I didn’t expect to see Dapper Dan ever again. Read with the wrong mental emphasis, that might sound ominous, but the reality is that in 2016 Lieutenant Jacobson was prepared to jump out of the Air Force at the first opportunity. Apparently Lieutenant Jacobson didn’t have the best foresight, because here I am, six years later and not only still in, but getting ready to incur even more service commitment.
At any rate, when I landed at the 332d, the combination of elapsed years and severe jet lag slowed my mental recognition down to the point that it took me a minute to remember who Dan was. When I did remember, I was pretty excited to see him. It is always good to have someone you know (and like) around during a deployment. The first half of my second deployment felt like it flew by because it felt like a college reunion with the number of friends from USAFA and other assignments that were milling around Al Udeid. Having an old friend on this third deployment was sure to help make the time go by faster. We spent so much time together that we were referred to as “Bert and Ernie” for our apparent height and build differences.
What’s important to know about Dan is that he is an aficionado of life’s luxuries and an avid intellectual. Both of those things are slight anomalies in the world of the U.S. Military. The man loves his good coffee, nice clothes, fine cigars, and even is a sommelier. His life aspiration is to run a vineyard in Italy or something. In an culture that is inherently rough and tumble, with heavy distrust towards politicians and intellectuals, Dan stands out because he likes what he likes and makes no apology for it.
Nor should he. What I enjoy about Dapper Dan is that he long ago stopped caring what anyone thought of his hobbies. He often pointed out that “life’s small luxuries,” whether that is a nice cup of coffee, and expensive shaving soap, or a glass of wine at the end of the day, are the things that make hard days more bearable. In a deployment filled with harder days than most, life’s small luxuries are even more enjoyable.
Another thing that I enjoyed about Major Dan is his height. The guy is about six and a half feet tall, and it makes for a convenient scaling comparison. At one point during the deployment, we went on a morale trip to the Southern deserts of our Host Nation. One of the activities on the trip was a camel ride, and I took a picture that would change the course of my amusement for the whole deployment.
Titled simply “Lorge Beast of Burden, DM for Scale” and sent to the rest of the squadron, this one photograph turned into a running gag throughout the whole deployment. Tall mountain, DM for scale. Big turnout at an event, DM for scale. Good beer, DM for scale. I even used him as a scale for temperature.
The gag never ceases to amuse me, mostly because of how stoic and proper Dan is and how ridiculous the photos got. I really stretched the limits of my phone’s photo editing tool, but it was a lot of fun for me. Dan thought it was a little weird that I had a photo album on my phone of pictures of him that served as a reference library to quickly photoshop various sizes of Dan onto different photos.
Dan was a good sport about it all, which was good. Not that it would have stopped me. I found this incredibly amusing and watching Dan’s stoic face try not to laugh or roll his eyes was most of the fun.
Even though he recently returned to the 332d ECONS to take over as the commander, Dan is leaving USAF Contracting when he returns to the United States. He is taking a primo career broadening opportunity that will really be a feather in his cap, even though it means we probably won’t cross paths again in uniform. I imagine that someday my wife and I will be on vacation, extremely jet-lagged in Italy. We will wander into a small winery and be greeted by a vaguely familiar face, one that won’t quite register through the brain-fog.
“Nice to see you again,” the tall, blonde proprietor of the winery will say and I will be confused as I laboriously raise my head to view all six and a half feet of this familiar person.
“Dapper Dan,” I shall exclaim upon realizing who the familiar giant is, “It’s great to see you again too!” Dan would then bring out his finest wines to taste, and I would listen carefully to his detailed descriptions of each wine and we would pass the evening reminiscing about the old days in the USAF. As we turn to leave, I would take one more picture.
“Pretty decent wine, DM for scale.”
