Round 3: Low Friends in High Places

We are now on article number five about my third deployment. You can get caught up here, here, over here, and there. Consider swinging by the shop to buy yourself a little Easter goodie bag consisting of books, stickers, and my appreciation. This article covers an important lesson I have learned in my years as an Air Force officer. This one is for Seth, and the others like Seth that I have met over the years.

One of the most important lessons I have learned over my career as a Contracting Officer for the Air Force is to make Low Friends in High Places. These Low Friends are the Airmen, Non-Commissioned Officers, and Lieutenants working closely with the senior leadership, Colonels and Generals, across a given base. Sometimes these lower-ranking folks have their lips permanently attached to their high-up bosses, but normally they have been pulled into the High Places against their will and are therefore a bit jaded and frustrated. Those are the people you need to know and make friends with.

Sure, it is great to have a rapport with the General. Such a rapport might allow you quick audience and influence, and you might even get some cool knickknacks out of the deal. But that rapport usually requires more ass kissing than I am willing to do. Better to make friends with someone close to the General and keep your soul in the process. Within a few days of arriving in the 332d ECONS, I met the perfect candidate for such a friend.

I don’t think I had been on the ground long enough for my sense of humor to be understood by the ECONS when Seth swung by the office. Seth had become fast friends with some folks in the ECONS, and they made sure to introduce him to me as “someone good to know,” and they were exactly right.

Junior NCO working closely with the General? Check. Deployed to work a job that isn’t their primary function? Check. Long, thankless work hours for a highly demanding boss? Check. At least a little bit jaded by all of the above? Check, check, double check.

Over the months I worked in the 332d ECONS, there were many instances where friendship with Seth was mutually beneficial. He provided the ECONS with heads up intel on what leadership was spun up over, and we provided him with a safe place in which to take refuge. He helped us get some exclusive goodies, we provided him with delicious smoked meats from our Pit Boss smoker. We helped him acquire some of his own delicious meats, and Seth connected us with cool folks. Very mutual, very beneficial.

What was more important than the transactional relationship between Seth and the ECONS, was developing a robust network of support and intelligence across the base. Seth’s job straight up sucked, there is no denying it. The amount of pedantic bullshit he had to endure at the hands of people who had nothing better to do than be pedantic was astounding. Had I been placed in his position, my career would likely have ended prematurely over a frustrated outburst. Seth managed to make it through, and I like to think that the ECONS welcoming him into our small circle had at least a little to do with that.

Perhaps the most beneficial part of making friends with Seth was evaluating “churn.” Churn is the amount of effort required by the lower echelons to accomplish a goal or tasker distributed down from higher leadership. Sometimes churn is fine, the churn that occurs to accomplish a mission requirement is to be expected and necessary. Often, churn is pointless, Airmen get spun and start exerting effort on a General’s pet project, or something that a member of the General’s staff simply thinks is the General’s priority. More than once, I was able to talk to Seth “off-line” to find out just how important the latest pet project was, and therefore how much effort to put into the churn that was coming.

Sometimes, the churn wasn’t from the General, but rather one of the staff officers and NCOs trying to anticipate the General’s wants. The General may have made an offhand remark about something that might be nice to have, and some Major on the General’s staff that was standing within earshot would perceive this as a chance to shine. This staff officer would would then trot their brown-nosing ass down to whatever squadron could help and tell them this new thing was now the General’s priority. The staff officer would return to the General’s side, and the servicing squadron would get all spun up and start churning.

For instance, the General might have remarked that his government provided SUV was riding a little funky. Hearing this remark, and eager to please the Big Boss, the Chief Master Sergeant of the base made his way to the ECONS. Upon arriving at the ECONS and dropping a corny greeting to Staff Sergeant Abbie Hebert, Chief demanded to speak to the ECONS commander. Major Cultra was out, so Chief demanded to speak to our Director of Operations, Major Dapper Dan. Major Dapper Dan was also in a more pressing meeting, so Sergeant Hebert suggested that Chief talk to the next officer down the chain, Captain Jacobson.

Chief had no interest in talking to the Contingency Contracting Officer in charge of the vehicle rental and maintenance contracts, so late in the evening I found myself face to face with this over-eager Chief. I patiently listened to how imperative it was that the General receive a new truck. Chief told me that the Mitsubishi SUV the General drove had over one-hundred-thousand miles on it. The SUV also supposedly pulled to the left drastically, causing a safety issue for the General. Further, the Mitsubishi Pajero was dirty, which did not suit the commander of the 332d Air Expeditionary Wing.

After Chief gave me his full spiel, I was suspicious that the issues weren’t as bad as were being portrayed. For one thing, all the vehicles recorded distance in kilometers rather than miles, additionally, the contract specified that all vehicles would be serviced every 5,000 – 10,000 km, and replaced entirely at 60,000 km. I would have been shocked if any car in the 332d’s inventory had reached 160,934.4 km without the renting contractor reaching out to at least bring the vehicle in for maintenance. It would have been a wild breach of contract for the vendor, and most vendors don’t want to get on the USAF’s bad side. There was also the small matter of the very nice Ford F-150 held by the ECONS that the General had previously expressed a desire to obtain as his issued vehicle.

I offered a couple short term solutions to the Chief, such as bringing the SUV to Vehicle Maintenance for them to inspect the vehicle for safety. I told Chief that they might even clean it, and if the safety issues warranted a new vehicle, we would be able to swap the General’s SUV out with a new one. Chief was adamant that the General needed a new car and “would obtain one like that nice F-150 from another squadron” if necessary. With that not-so-thinly veiled threat issued, Chief spouted off a few more buzzwords and then made his way back to his own office.

As soon as the door closed behind Chief, I let out a long sigh, and a strong expletive, which elicited a giggle and a “better you than me” from Sergeant Hebert. I am sure Chief thought that as soon as he left I would sprint to my phone and call the Vehicle Harvester folks to pluck a brand new vehicle from the SUV Tree and have it delivered to the General pronto. Instead, I shambled (as I tend to do anyway) to my desk and called Seth.

After explaining the situation and my suspicions, I asked Seth how bad the SUV’s maladies were, and how important this actually was to the General. Seth gave his own long sigh, told me that the truck didn’t pull that hard to the left, and assured me he would call me back after he checked the odometer on the Pajero. Within five minutes I had an odometer reading of 17,000 km (10,563.31 miles), significantly less than 100,000 miles (160,934.4 km). Not enough distance to trigger a trade in, but enough to indicate that the General’s truck had missed three maintenance windows at 5,000 km, 10,000 km, and 15,000 km. I thanked Seth and called Vehicle Maintenance to let them know the General’s Pajero was going to be dropped off for maintenance. Within a day or two, a shiny, new, fully loaded SUV was in the General’s parking spot and the ECONS got to keep their nice F-150. Never did get a “thank you” though.

Situations like that had a tendency to create a lot of churn for Airmen. Having Low Friends in High Places helped provide an avenue to confirm just the right amount of effort to put into the various pet projects pushed down by Generals and Colonels or their staffs. Seth was good to know not only as a key source of intelligence and souvenirs, he was also a pretty cool guy in his own right. Find yourself a Seth, and save yourself a little bit of trouble.